Back on August 25th, my divorce was finalized. It was also 10 years ago today that Charlotte and I started dating. I remember how things were back then. How happy and excited we were. Nowadays, it’s strange and hard to reflect on those happy memories. So much has changed and where did it all go wrong. As time passes by, these memories become more distant. However, I sometimes reflect on those 10 years. That way I can understand the lessons I learned and how I have changed for the better.
The one challenge that stands out for me was identifying why I was hung up on what happened. I understand breakups and divorce are difficult to go through, but the love I had for her was gone. For the majority of our time together, I was blinded by love and dismissed my own thoughts, along with what my friends/family were telling me. I ignored all the red flags, believing that these signs were minor or would change over time. The simple stuff that I miss like holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and so on were slowly fading away. One sign that sticks out was the sudden change of mind where she no longer wanted my last name shortly after the marriage, even though we agreed on it and all marriage documents reflected that. Other red flags include: less time with my family and friends and more with hers, cute nicknames for each other were being used in negative ways, her becoming very jealous when I talked to other ladies, and her always bringing up my past relationships. I literally had to lose contact with all my female friends to keep her happy. These signs built up over the years and without knowing, it was affecting my mental health. During our 2.5 years of marriage, I was depressed and couldn’t figure it out.
Unfortunately, the phrase, “happy wife, happy life” was taken a bit too literal. I thought it was my job as a boyfriend and husband to maintain her happiness. That’s exactly what I tried to do and showed my love for her that way. I encouraged her in school and career. Almost every decision I made would be revolved around her and our future together. I proposed to her in Malta in front of her family and friends. We got a dog together, I bought a condo to invest, threw the best wedding I could give, bought a house closer to her work, helped her financially and so on. Everything I did, I did it for her and I thought I was doing everything right.
However, I was wrong. I placed so much time and energy into making sure she was happy, that my own happiness was forgotten. I gained a bunch of weight because I was no longer active. My hobbies were reduced to little or none. I became more introverted and fell into depression. I had become a depressed, pothead gamer that stayed home all the time. When that fully took over, I started paying less attention to Charlotte and not looking after her happiness. Eventually, she noticed and that’s when she started to say things like “I feel alone” “Feels like we are just roommates” “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. This just got me more upset. We did marriage counseling for a year and even though I felt we were making progress, in our last session, she announces that nothing in her mind has changed and she wants a divorce.
After all that time, the blindfold was finally removed and the love was gone. It’s like a spell was broken and I could see everything that was wrong. Back in the earlier years of dating, the feelings, respect, and care were mutual, but it hasn’t been the case in the last few years. It was always about her and she didn’t care about me. So we went ahead and filed for separation and eventually divorce.
It was during this time where her true colors showed. She said awful things to me and revealed her true feelings. Charlotte states that she didn’t want to marry me and it wasn’t cold feet at all. She failed to mention this to me during our engagement, even though she knew I was spending so much time and money into planning the wedding. She simply stayed with me because of convenience and financial stability. Which all makes sense now. She lived with me for over 3 years, but only contributed to the mortgage for 7 months of it. I took care of all the other bills. She could have contributed 50/50 like most married couples and she had a stable job with decent pay. However, she was reckless in her spending habits and her debt kept expanding. And what was her remedy to all of this? When it came to divorce, she wanted half of everything. She wanted me to sell the house so she could get half the money, pay off all her debt and have plenty of leftover money to throw around. There was no way that was going to happen.
Her nasty greed was showing and I now knew what she was after. It was all about money and she couldn’t hide her grin after the realtor gave us an estimate for the house. I had to protect myself as best as I could and did all my research. A divorce equalization payment typically occurs 3 years after the separation date or 2 years after the divorce. Even though I should have gone that route and got my own lawyer, Charlotte had no patience. I also didn’t want this dragging on for years and making it too expensive with lawyers or other surprise expenses. In the end, she agreed to my terms. She got a payout of $35k along with keeping the dog and the 2016 Jeep Cherokee. My only condition was for me to keep the house. The worst part though… This all had to be done in 30 days! It was a struggle getting it all legally processed and luckily I found a divorce lawyer that did it for a thousand bucks, but it was all finished just in time. Most people say I got screwed over with the time restriction and payout, but I wanted it as quick, simple and painless as possible. Sure I could have made her wait 3 years, but then I risk more expenses with two separate lawyers and other nonsense.
All of this sounds awful, but there was still one more thing. The cherry on top of the divorce cake! After a week or so from signing the separation papers, there was already a new guy in her life. She told me about Mark and his two kids from his previous divorce. They met through a Honda Civic car club and were texting a lot, which now makes sense why she was always away in Brampton every weekend. Charlotte would be texting him in front of me, giggling and smiling. Infatuation was written all over her face. She didn’t even try hiding it from me in hopes to make me jealous I guess. On the final day when I gave her the 35k, she texted him about it and he replied, “Yay we’re rich!” She thought it was hilarious as I just stood there watching her text him with excitement. At that point though, it didn’t faze or surprise me. She showed her true self and she was no more than a stranger to me.
I know that this has become a rant, but I believe writing this out and getting my thoughts outta my head helps. It’s kinda like the closure that I never got before she left. We could never really talk about this as she was so closed off and hiding her feelings/intentions. Every time I tried to talk to her, she would say her famous 3 words “I don’t know.” It was so frustrating to not get any answers and when I did finally get them, all the papers were signed and she was already halfway out the door.
It was a stressful 2 years but also an eye-opener. I learned that I should be vigilant. To listen to not only my heart but my mind as well. My family and friends also provide an outside perspective that I should take into account. Red flags are real and should be addressed, not ignored. Communication between the two partners is key and should be maintained. These lessons will stay with me and never be forgotten.
Most important of all, my happiness is a priority. Shortly after Charlotte left, I spent that year of separation focusing on myself. I joined the gym and lost a ton of weight. I used to weigh around 215-220lbs and now I’m sitting at 165lbs! Fixing my diet was a big factor as I removed items like bread, pasta, potatoes, beer, pop, and unhealthy snacks. I also joined a co-op soccer league with my younger brother and was voted captain. We won 1st place in two seasons with two different teams. It feels amazing to have my active lifestyle back and to see the results. I’ve been going out more often with family and friends with an urge to travel. I went to Chicago for the first time in December and the next big trip will be England to see the UEFA tournament. My hobbies are back in full force and there is always something to do between drawing, cosplay, biking, music and more!
My depression was long gone and life just feels right. It was a lot to go through and a ton of changes, but I’ve learned so much and I’m finally happy. I will never forget but will not live in the past. If the present is this great, then the future is going to be amazing!!
